The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
