my sisters under your porch take her home
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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