I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The best revenge is premature balding
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Randomize
