I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
