So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
