A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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