never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
