It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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