Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
