Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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