Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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