I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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