Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
