I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
