My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
