I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
