her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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