I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
