She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
