u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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