we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I pour the whiskey from now on
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
