I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There r osticjed everywhere
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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