I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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