i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
