i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
