i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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