Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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