My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
