Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
