i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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