this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
