I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
