I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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