If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
