Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
