Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
