there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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