I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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