next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
