i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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