Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
my shit smells like andre
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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