If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
