He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
