dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am available for nakedness
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
