Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
