that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Randomize
