he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
