Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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