Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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