I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
soo... how was my night?
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